We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
