Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
