I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
