I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
