Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
