Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
