i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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