Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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