If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
