Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
