I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
even my farts smell like vagina
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
