make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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