I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
