His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
