I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
