I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
