things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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