we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Randomize
