i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
