All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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