I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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