legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
a search helicopter?!
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
