I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
