1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
