Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
