my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Randomize
