Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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