I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
