ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
