my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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