I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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