We won't sleep together?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
