i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
