Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
