Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I love having hate sex.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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