I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
