Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
