dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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