someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
