I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
