I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
