I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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