can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
