Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
