Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Randomize
