my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
