omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
