She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
