They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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