i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
