happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
