He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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