hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
so let's talk penis.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
