Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
